Conversations with myself

I am a writer, therefore I should write. But writing, while a balm for my psyche and a window to my soul, is a hollow thing if there is no one to read it. For too many years I have written in secret. Or in the service of someone else’s agenda. I take the risk here, admittedly, to cast out upon the limitless vista that is the Internet, and all the stars that are people, my voice and my thoughts. Big Brother, if you are listening, I will speak my mind without fear of reprisal, and if there is reprisal, at least I had my say.

I will write on many things, all those issues and worries that occupy my mind and that I decide are worthy of sharing with you, my unknown reader. Here I will be unadorned, uncensored, unedited (except by myself) and unrestrained, for after all, it is me talking to myself, as we all do. I will be candid and upfront: I have started this blog with the hope that my words and ideas may, possibly, one day draw the interest of others and help me launch that career as a creative writer, that always seemed out of reach and sequestered behind the mighty walls of publishers. If I wrote it had to be what they wanted me to write, channelled within strict parameters, and with a modicum of personal opinion. Such is the life of a professional writer. Paid by the word or the hour or the piece, or if I make my editor happy.

I know what you are thinking now – “Oh Gods not another vengeful navel-gazer bitching about how unfair the world has been to him.” That is not what I intend here. We all have problems. We are all imperfect, lonely, misunderstood, ignored and unrecognized. Wallowing in self-pity is not a good use of my time our yours. But I think my journey, ordinary though it may be, has worth in sharing. It can connect us as humans, with the same needs, fears, wants and dreams, only differentiated by variation. Here will I disgorge my thoughts, feelings, dreams and aspirations. Here will I share my ideas, poems, thoughts and points of view. If you like them, thank you, and read on. If you don’t stop reading and leave. It is that simple. But I challenge you – those who take umbrage at my opinions, to read them first and try to understand where I am coming from. I have no ideological agenda or financial stake in my words. I will do my best to back up my opinions with context and rationale. I will try as best I can to make it clear why I came to this opinion, and how it evolved the way it did. I am not an adherent of magical thinking or seeing the world as black and white, good and evil, right and wrong. I have lived this long to understand how one person’s good may be another’s evil, the paradise of one society appears to be the Sodom and Gomorrah of another. Its all a matter of perspective and personal experience. ┬áSo take them for what you will, these words of mine. Read them to know another’s thoughts and ideas. Accept them as my opinions and that is all. As Krishnamurthi once said “If someone tells you they have the Truth – run.

I have my truth as I see it and no more. But I can speak from some experience, which I intend to convey here with as much relevance as I can manage. This is not exhibitionism, or narcissism, or some bizarre form of psychotherapy, venting ones thoughts and feelings to a silent screen in the hopes of purging them. I will not be so unfair to you, my readers, who I will always keep in mind. My every thought or impulse is not the stuff of headlines and shouldn’t be. Often a writer’s true genius is not in what he or she writes, but what they do not write down. I shall be my own editor and do not have any presumptions that my insights are any more profound that those of anyone else. But they are unique to me.

What I have seen and experienced in my life is not the stuff of Shakespeare, but it is my story, told as honestly as I can. No I will not tell you every sordid thing – there are other venues for that, and you are welcome to visit them. My objective here is to convey, to document and to provide insight on these slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. It is my hope that some part of what I write here can be helpful to someone else. The old refrain “Don’t make the mistakes I made” comes to mind, but we all know people make those mistakes anyway. I tried to convey that idea to my burgeoning daughters in their teen years and was met by scorn and rebuff usually. “I know Dad.” was a favorite refrain. People are not ready to hear truths until they are ready. And as of this day, July 13, 2017, they still are not, though they are 25 and 28 respectively. Ah well, maybe one day.

So here we go, my hoped for readers, a new life, a new reality, a new means of expression that reaches beyond the confines of my computer or the blank page. Will any of it matter? Who knows? Will anyone read this? Who knows? It is my message in a bottle, my Voyager spacecraft hurtling into the abyss of space. To whomever has read this far: welcome and thank you.

 

And so it begins.

Here is a bit of candidness and transparency. I have reached the age of 56, after a life full of writing for others that has not gotten me where I wanted to be. If I had the ability now to choose any career going forward, it would to be a novelist. To be able to explore, muse, satirize or imagine realities, lives unlived, histories from other universes: to hold up an often darker mirror to my species and myself.

So this blog is about me attempting to ignite such a career, and present my voice to all of you out there in Internetland, if you are able to find me. This is my rowboat, with a digital sail, slowing heading out onto the vast, roiling wilderness of the Web. Will I succeed? Who knows? Will I be found, or lost in the doldrums of isolation and anonymity? Will this blog of mine, this fragile lily pad that I sit upon, help me find recognition and achieve a new career? That depends on me, upon you dear readers, and upon luck, I suppose. But I wanted to make my motivation and intentions clear, so there was no misconception.

At this writing, I do not as yet know how I will construct this blog, what elements it will contain, or what is primary focus will be. It will be an organic process that is not entirely in my control – as so much we do is not. As with any creative process, I begin with an idea or an intent and then let it emerge, slowly, like a face emerging from dark waters or swirling mist. It must become its own entity in a way, resolve itself in the harmony of my conscious and subconcious minds. So many times when I have worked on a creative writing project, I would get to a point, usually about a third of the way in, when writing almost became something like dictation. The words would appear in my head and I would write them down – quickly. Sometimes at breakneck speed. The characters in the stories would begin to speak as if on their own, and would start to indicate to me where they wanted to go and what they wanted to say. This was not always how I had previously imagined the narrative, but I found, through direct experience, that the story always came out better if I did not try to control it. Often to my own amazement.